HOW THE FUCK DO YOU CHARGE MIN $10K TO PLAY HIDEOUSLY MIXED MASHUPS FEATURING THE LIKES OF SWEET CAROLINE AND LINDSAY LOHAN?!

Oh right… you  lick Lindsay’s carpet and have similar genetic makeup as people with actual talent.

Pyuck.

We have submitted JP for hipster runoff’s Kute Azn of the day. Please send your thoughts and prayers that this great honor is bestowed upon him. It will bring our city great honor, and increase our ability to wear neon with confidence. 

My new fav.

‘the whitest boy alive started as an electronic dance music project in 2003. it has slowly developed into a band without any programmed elements.’

website

myspace

this weekend with my friend away, i thought it would be a good idea to drink my weight in red wine and text him some topless photos. except it wasn’t a good idea at all. besides the fact that we aren’t exactly friends in the traditional sense, more like borderline enemies who hook up once a year, camera in the bathroom mirror isn’t the height of sexiness.

i also think his phone is the model that you buy when you’ve left your cell in a cab 4 times in the last month and say fuck it, i’m buying the cheapest one available at rogers. so blurry, lavatory staged images of my nipples are floating around. lovely. knowing him they’ll end up on www.hipsterrunoff.com under “worst alt boobs.”

in the depths of hell that was my n00dz hang over, i realized that everyone does it. one can’t help but wonder, do guys show their friends the naked pictures girls send them? off course they do. because girls sure as hell show their friends. a quick spotlight search for “cock” on my lap top calls up multiple images of my girlfriends ex lovers. i even have an entire folder of filthy texts an old boyfriend sent me, complete with photos of us holding the phone to our faces, laughing at “you want my hot load.”

if the blurry pictures of my boobs aren’t exactly porn material, guys take note- your half hard penis poking out from under your beer gut isn’t either. no matter how much you drink, no matter how many miles are between you, DON’T SEND N00DZ!

artisan (n)- basically an artist who thinks he’s better than everyone else.

artisan (adj) - a word used by pretentious assholes who can’t think of any other reason why they are paying an exorbitant amount of  money for some lame piece of art, cheese, bread, or any other material item that probably isn’t worth it.

• socks with sandals
• tevas
• tank tops
• white sunglasses
• tight swimwear
• cell phone holster
• highlights
• jeans below underwear/ass
• sideways ballcap with flat brim (with or without original sticker)
• chains
• booming subwoofers
• civic or pontiac
• white car
• any combination of the above three
• cocaine habit
• coca cola with breakfast
• spitting
• nascar
• visor
• half butts
• white track pants
• nut-hugging sweatpants
• large set of keys attached to belt
• bluetooth
• face painting at sporting events

If you said yes to one or more of the above, consider yourself undatable!

Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w - 36 (Surrey)

Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.

You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.

Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well.

When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, “MORE”, “HARDER”, “YES”, “FUCK ME”, but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass. You are allowed to say something like “OH GOD”, “YES”, OR “IT HURTS” no other conversation is allowed.

When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like “Thanks”, “It was great”, “I loved it”, “Don’t stop”

If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.

I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together.

(http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/cas/746762237.html)

I am embarrassed to admit that I recently joined the ranks of the sketchy when I set foot inside Gorgomish this past Friday night/ Saturday morning.

I had a conversation with one of the regulars who was going on and on about how she never thought she would hang out at such a place and how she was surprised that everyone was so awesome and the music was so awesome and she has such an awesome time there and now goes all the time.

Hypothetically speaking, wouldn’t anyone who frequented a place that caters to people who can stay up for endless hours past standard last call think that pretty much anything was awesome? I remember the first time I went to a rave and started feeling all fuzzy and weird and my pupils errupted to the size of toonies and I projectiled my guts out and thought to myself, ‘WOW, PUKING IS SO AWESOME!’.

Sad we can’t feel that way without eventually ending up like Michael J. Fox or potentially suffering a massive heart explosion while our spines turn to mush.

Question - does one actually have to be a good DJ to play there or do you become automatically awesome?

Man Who Used Stick To Roll Ball Into Hole In Ground Praised For His Courage

So this weird thing happens whenever it gets really sunny and hot.  For months and months before summer we all bitch and complain about ‘when’s it gonna be summer already?!’ forgetting about that other, less popular season called spring.  Then when the sun comes out, we all do a very strange thing if you really think about it.

We walk like zombies to the waterfront or the park and take off most, if not all, of our clothes.  Then we just lay down together, on the sand or the grass.  We just lay there, in close proximity to complete strangers and perverts.  We lay there totally vulnerable to anyone and anything.  Some of us even take naps.  So it’s basically communal naptime.  We’re a bunch of fucking cats all of a sudden.

And then we complain.  ‘Omg it’s so fucking hot!’ we say.

What compels us to nap together by the waterfront?  Are we addicted to the Vitamin D recharge?  Is it the fact that tanned skin is considered more sexually attractive in our culture, and we are peacocking to one another in our bikinis and speedos?  Like, ‘hey! look at my bulge and my rippling muscles enhanced by my sun-kissed skin!’   Is it evolutionary behaviour?  Tanned chicks probably get laid more.

I’m pasty white.  The old Asian lady who collects bottles and cans in our neighbourhood nearly fainted at the sight of me when I came outside to bring her our empties.  I swear she wanted to make a shrine to my  skin.  Asians are kinda weird about their skin whitening obsession.  I guess it means I am like royalty and not like those deeply tanned rice field workers.  Weird how we’re obsessed with darkening our skin in North America.

My mom and her friends are always commenting on my perfect white skin.  I guess its because they came from an era where basting yourself in baby oil and frying in the sun all day while chain smoking was the thing to do.

People still tan a lot now… some even until they are orange!  But more and more people are becoming paranoid about carcinogens.  Everything causes cancer.  Deodorant causes cancer, tanning causes cancer, smoking causes cancer, talking on cell phones causes cancer, drinking out of plastic cups causes cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer.  If everything is so bad for us, then how come older generations who had no clue about this shit are still alive and kicking?!

Personally, I’d like to know who wants to live until they are 100 anyway?  My friend said she is pulling her own plug as soon as she loses the ability to make it to a toilet before her ass starts leaking.