OMG! WTF? oh my god. what the f*ck.

I was going to rifle off a list of the worst Christmas songs ever, which would have been populated with some pretty obvious ones, like 8 Days of Christmas by Destiny’s Child (‘on the eighth day of Christmas by baby gave to me a pair of Chloe shades and a diamond belly ring‘).  Or on the complete opposite side of the consumerism spectrum there’s the old fav that makes you feel like an asshole for having a good time with your egg nog and turkey dinner Do They Know It’s Christmas by Band Aid (‘where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears, and the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom, well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you’)

I would like to take this opportunity to nominate what I believe to be the absolute worst, most offensive Christmas song of all time.

Merry Muthafuckin’ Christmas – by Eazy E

(from www.mp3lyrics.org – these were the most decipherable and accurate lyrics for this song I could find)

[Uncle Dolamite]
Come on over hunnie
and give your uncle Dolamite a kiss
[*kissing Sounds*]
well what you want baby?

[Baby]
Would you tell me a story?

[Uncle Dolamite]
You want me to tell you a story?

[Baby]
Hell yeah!

[Other Baby]
Me too!

[Uncle Dolamite]
Yes Hunnie I’m a tell you a story
about the bad ass Eazy-E
he was drinkin’ whisky and gin
at the age of three
listen and listen well
he’s a bad Muthafu-

[Mother]
Gimmie that god damn book!
here let me read you this one
Christmas in Compton
It was a silent night,
yes a holy night
until Mr. Claus turned
into Santa
muthafuckin’ Wright?

[Carolers]
Deck the halls with balls of holy
fa la la la la la la la la
tis the season to be jolly….

[Eazy-E]
Merry Chrismas muthafucka!
[*Gun Shots*]
Merry muthafuckin’
Christmas and a ho ho ho!
while I’m ridin’ that cock
under the mistletoe
now dashin’ through the snow
in a candy rag top 6-4
over the hills I go
laughin’ at this ho
nuts on her chin ring
makin’ me feel right
oh what fun it is to know
that I’m gonna get the pussy tonight
so ring them bells, ring them bells
shes takin’ it all the way
oh what fun it is to
watch her suck my dick
this way
hey ring them bells, ring them bells
she’s takin’ it all the way
oh what fun it is to
nut, while she’s suckin’
my dick
oh yay!
tis the season to get bicked
compton crime lick
and I’m smokin’ all this shit.

[Santa]
Ho ho ho come sit on my face
I mean lap and tell me what
you want for Chrismas
ho ho.

[Menajahtwa]
I want a sleigh ride
a cd player
a fifty rum
??? and I’m gonna cum
a VCR ???? some porno flicks
rudolph the red nose reindick
??? like a everlastin’ gobstoper
??? poppa
I dig a ho
crack a dough
by the nuts oh
???? fuckin’ in tha snow
I made him drop to his knees
yeah you know whats up
I said heres some candy
canes eat’em up
???? bon a petite with a
condom in nut tree.

[]
All I want for Chrismas is
my two front teeth
my two front teeth, my two front teeth
All I want for Chrismas is
my two front teeth
yo wheres ya rhyme tell me Buckwheat.

[Buck wheat]
Buckwheat is a wascal
that stole Christmas
and all the toys, boys and girls
fuck ya wishes
I got happy overjoyed in
this muthafucka
no indo under my tree so
Santa be a sucka
??? when I was young I
was the only kid
who had enough guts to be
good ole hearin’ on the East
I’d stay awake just to
let america know
that Santa was a fake
I used to believe in
Saint Dick when Elvis
was alive
but all that fuckin’
bullshit got played when
I was five
years old just a young bull titan
singin’ Silent Night,
Carolin’ Recitin’
now all I want for Chrismas
is my endo wreath
I got my two front teeth
uncle Eazy be the ????
just spread me a leaf
little kids don’t cry
when you find out Santa
Claus is just a fuckin’
lie.

[Eazy-E]
On the first day of
Christmas my homeboys
gave to me
three pounds of indo
two birds of cocaine
and a A muthafuckin’ K bitch.

[]
Eazy-E oh Eazy-E
show us how you treat those bitches
I saw mommy fuckin’ Eazy Claus.

[Eazy-E]
close the door little bitch
Or get these drawers.

[]
I’m a tell my daddy if
ya ass don’t stop.

[Eazy-E]
I don’t give a fuck
I’m gettin’ Christmas cock
ho ho ho and away I go.

[]
Oh Saint Nick’s got a dick like a pole
well wheres my shit
This mother fucker’s cheap

[Eazy-E]
Shut the fuck up bitches
and go back to sleep.

[]
Yo black what you want for Christmas?
yo black I want a job
??? corn on the cob
but a nigga will eat them chicken, and
chitlens, watermelon, corn
bread and some food
who’s climbin’ into my window
smokin’ that indo
my carin’ and high make a high know
Yo yo get out my fuckin’
yard with your carols
Yo black what you want for Christmas?
yo black I want some cash
so I can buy some indo,
chronic and some hash.

[]
a rump pa pum pum
a rump pa pum pum

[Every One]
Merry Muthafuckin’ Christmas
Merry Muthafuckin’ Christmas
Merry Muthafuckin’ Christmas
and have a fucked up new year (x4)

[Eazy-E]
You
Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!

[Mother]
And they all went to prison
and lived fucked up lives ever after
The End